Update (Or Lack Thereof)

Well, in the words of Dennis Miller . . . what can I tell ya? Not a lot, at this point. Nothing I would say for the general public. It's like this: If you know me, you would know I've come a long way already. But if you don't know me, I doubt you would be impressed with anything I could tell you.

I will say this: My life moves now. The rate of changes in all areas of my life has increased dramatically since I gave up resisting my own inner nature. It's got to be some sort of metaphysical thing, a wholistic sort of deal. Openness to change, and all that. Attitudes and beliefs really do make a difference on "reality". I truly believe that, as I did when I was younger. I lost track somewhere along the way, and now I'm back on the path. But being older, it's so much easier to get sidetracked or discouraged.

It has certaintly been weird! For years, in response to "What's new?" I told friends, family, and acquaintances, "Not much". Now, it seems life practically has a plot. Even those who do not know me as Julie notice I have much more to say, these days.

There has also been another New-Agey element: The universe has been kind to me. (Ohmifuckingod!) I have had all sorts of unexpected gifts and plain-ol' good luck. Somebody gave me a large sum of money. Someone else gave me a piano. The dead-end job I had has suddenly got a lot less dead, and more open. I'm earning 40% more than I was.

I feel better about other people, now that I'm accepting what kind of "people" I am. I chat more. I like my co-workers now! (It helps that I work in a nursing home, mostly with women.) I like my mom now! I'm still estranged from my sister, but I've at least made the first move towards reconciliation.

I heard from a long-lost friend, who seemed to be on the fast-track to death five years ago, with heroin and alcohol. He's now in recovery, doing health outreach with homeless people in San Fransisco. I found it within myself to come out to him -- the first male in my life I've ever told! I was astounded at how accepting he was(Considering what a bastard he could be when he drank!) He invited me to visit, and I am now taking my first vacation since 1997, next month.

I must admit I am showing a hell of a lot more courage than I ever did before. I seem to be reaping some rewards for it!

I've yet to go out in public dressed as a woman in the --gasp-- daytime, but I have made a few trips to R's and back at night. Wearing an actual skirt is a huge thing in comparison to simply wearing women's jeans and tops, which is scarcely noticed. I don't really pass, but I am considered "pretty". It's an interesting little twilight area, androgyny.

As for the nuts-and-bolts of gender transition -- less excitement to relate there. We're looking at 3 1/2 months on a starting dose of estrogen and anti-androgen. And I'm not looking a lot different. My skin texture is finer. I seem to see swelling in the breast and hip areas, but dammit, it seems to come and go!

The penis function is significantly diminished, of course. This is an interesting subject only in terms of my sexual relationship with R., a bisexual female. Intercourse was never the focus of our love life, but I cannot deny there was a specialness about it, one we will eventually have to say goodbye to. There are a lot of other interesting activities to focus on! Outside of lovemaking, of course, my only sexual interest is in obtaining orgasm, and this is still quite easy.

Due to decreasing testosterone, many transsexuals lose all interest in sexual pleasure during transition. This can be catastrophic when, after sexual reassingment surgery, they find that their body has largely FORGOTTEN HOW to orgasm. Combined with the risks of the surgery itself, the orgasm rate for post-op is still sadly on the low end. I, for one, intend to do my part! Here's to health! :)

As for the mental-health benefit: Yes, I feel better. MUCH. Not like a great happy drug, just . . . real. Content. Normal.

Oh, and as a side-effect, my blood pressure has dropped. Not typical with estrogen, but there it is. I'm back in the normal range!

Electroylsis is still hanging over my head, a massive undertaking I've yet to start. Ugh, ugh. I know I'll regret putting it off, but . . . I'm putting it off.

I've participated to some extent on transsexual forums, but not to the extent that I've stayed here, discussing politics and stuff. I prefer to just read the informative sites.

Example: http://www.annelawrence.com/twr/. They got SRS pictures! http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzersrs.html. It'll make ya puke! I think it's a miracle!!!

I'm done with the "JD" nonsense, and would only revive "Tony Scam" for entertainment purposes. I am not a split personality, just a very complex person. Dammit, I'm unique -- just like everybody else is!!!

Thanks for reading. Comments welcome.

-- Julie Diane

P.S. In no way do I wish to imply it has been all sunshine and cunnilingus. There's been lots of pain, plenty of it. The difference is, I'm starting to view pain as a problem to be solved rather than a condition to be endured. I can get down on myself very easily, in fact. I just try not to get stuck. It's hard; I don't wanna lie about that. I just can't focus on misery anymore. There's too much excitement for that.